AM I A BAD MOTHER? IN SEEING TO THE NEEDS OF MY AUTISTIC CHILD HAVE I FAILED MY OTHER CHILD?


Motherhood is one Helluva Job!!!


Today has been a loooong day. Everyday is a struggle as I try to navigate life without my true north "my mommy".  The pain of missing my mom is so profound and gut wrenching sometimes I wonder if it would be better just to have someone really hit me so at least the pain would be the result of a physical blow not manifested by the absence of the one woman that understood me emphatically.

I don't care how old you are, when times are hard there is nothing like your momma telling you "everything is gonna be ok baby".  The latest current events don't make it any better, I'm still reeling from the empathetic feeling of loss I feel for Hidaya Pendletons mom, at losing her daughter to the senseless violence on these Chicago mean streets.  Fear of being a casualty in a driveby shooting as an innocent bystander for myself and my 2 children is a reality I face everyday living here in the Englewood neighborhood of Chicago's Southside.

I was born and raised in Englewood and I have fond memories of shopping with my mom on 63rd and Halsted at Carrs. Woolworths, and Kresge's.  I so looked forward to the lunch we would have at the Woolworths Cafeteria after my mom was done paying bills and conducting business.  As a child  there was nothing as great as standing in line and rolling my tray
down the rail while I chose from all the scrumptious foods and desserts on display and there for my choosing.

My mom had seven children and she made it look effortless and easy. She was loving,supportive, extremely affectionate and the best damn cook in the world!! She cooked four days a week and we always had a vegetable, a meat, a starch and a dessert. ( which explains why I have to have something sweet at the end EVERYTIME I have a meal lol).  She has ruined me!!

I feel I fall short everyday at trying to be as good a mom to my kids as she was to me. I bake, I clean, I cook, I sing, I read stories, I wrestle with them, i kiss and hug them, I buy them every dam toy imaginable, and yet I still feel, I fall short of my mother Marlene Robinson.  My oldest son is in 1st grade and I try my hardest to help him with his homework and encourage my 5yr old with autism but I end up feeling like a juggler with too many balls in the air and eventually end up crying in frustration.

How did my Mom do it with 5 girls and 2 boys? How did she feed all of us till we were full, ( even with my DAD always getting the big piece of chicken and the biggest Pork chop), how did she keep us so well dressed and our hair so well kept and healthy? how did she come home from work and always have a smile on her face, want us to give her hugs and kisses and always, ALWAYS have a treat or preaent for me....  I hope my Mom is looking down from heaven and I hope she's proud of the mother I've become because really her opinion is truly the only one that matters to me, other than that of my children...


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