What Do i do Now? HeySistah Publishing

Motherhood is one Helluva Job!!! Today has been a loooong day. Everyday is a struggle as I try to navigate life without my true north "my mommy" .  The pain of missing my mom is so profound and gut wrenching sometimes I wonder if it would be better just to have someone really hit me so at least the pain would be the result of a physical blow not manifested by the absence of the one woman that understood me emphatically. I don't care how old you are, when times are hard there is nothing like your momma telling you "everything is gonna be ok baby".  The latest current events don't make it any better, I'm still reeling fro m the empathetic feeling of loss I feel for Hidaya Pendleton s mom, at losing her daughter to the senseless violence on these Chicago mean streets.  Fear of being a casualty in a driveby shooting as an innocent bystander for myself and my 2 children is a reality I face everyday living here in the Englewood neighborhood of Chicago...

Everyday is a new day of twists, turns and mood swings with my son that has autism.  He doesn't speak he will  say "mama" but thats all. I've learned to adjust, adapt and be a mind reader!! My loving child gives me plenty of love and affection, and in those calgon take me awy moments , he senses my frustration and gives me a kiss which he expects will keep the "momster" away, and mostly it does! The added time and effort it takes to raise my 6 yr old not to feel neglected and forgotten, I have nooo time, energy or money left to do anything for myself. I  actually went into my closet today and mourned the fact that I haven't worn any of my "Via Spigas" "Dana Buchman"or anything that doesnt have a rubber heel, and all pants that just have elastic in the waist. I decided to put on some makeup the other day and realized I haven't worn it in soooo long I've lost my MAC pressed powder and chestnut lip liner!! I haven't seen ...

Hello World, Being a mom a having health issues since I had my beautiful babies has slowed me down, and forced me to take an intricate look at my past, my present, and what the heck I'm gonna do in my future!! Every family function makes me painfully aware of how much older I am, as I look at my nieces and nephews grow older have children and get married. I became so introspective and I want so much to do as Oprah always encouraged us to do. "Follow my bliss". For as long as I can remember I have been very good at writing, it started when I was very young. One of my first memorable writing ventures took place when I was about 12, and my suave but lazy brother who was in 8th grade had to read " A Raisin in the Sun" and write a book report. Which would seriously interrupt his pimping women, so the night before it was due he offered me money to read the book and write the report for him. I agreed and at about 7pm read the book nonstop and in the wee ...

I am pleasantly surprised daily by how much my 4 yr olds mind is growing, and how he is able to communicate his thoughts, feelings, emotions and also help me be in the moment sometimes when I lose my focus. My son speaks of himself in the 3rd person which is hilarious to me! Earlier he was busy playing with his Elmo vacuum and pretending to clean the floor, and when he was done he politely came to me and said "I need 4 dollars Mom". So I proceeded to count out 4 imaginary dollars in his hand. When I was done he looked at his hand, gave me a very frustrated look and stated " I need 4 GREEN dollars Mom from there!" and pointed at my wallet on my dresser!! I knew then this is the start of me being broke!! Each day he says something to me that to me seems far too wise for his years, and really catches me off guard and make me realize NEVER underestimate the intelligence of a child and what they understand. Well goodnight the two warriors are asleep so too must I!!

Kid's are funny!! My 4 year old is now asking me for what he prefers to eat as opposed to me fedding him what I feel like cooking ( what a bummer ) So today he came to me with my red flannel nightgown perched on his shoulder, with my Janet Jackson control pin from the 80's serving as the clasp in the front, and asked to to cook some snake! ( that is how he pronounces steak). These are the types of things they do that make me laugh, and bring a smile to my lips. Especially when I want to kill him for leaving that little toy car in the floor, that made me do a half gainer down the hall, when I got up in the midle of the night to pee. This is now my fun, no more 5 inch heels and skin tight outfits, the looser the better to hide these childbearing rolls, my favorite loungewear is their fathers 4X t-Shirts (He hates that I wear them) lmao I love my boys this is a new kind of happiness for me.

A new year is upon us, and so starts the new years resolutions to lose weight, leave that no good man or woman, and change your life!! I submit to you this time choose a small and doable goal first, don't start off with some lofty grand resolution that you won't complete and will use an an excuse to leave the status quo!! All you mothers out there that don't take time for yourselves, pick a friend you truly miss, and haven't connected with in forever, reach out and go to lunch, or dinner and a movie. Sit down with your child and ask them what's going on with them and look them in their eyes and truly LISTEN!! I always hated when adults belittled my problems as a teen because I wasn't working a job or paying bills!! I was a teenager that was my job and my drama!! Let me know how that goes for you, I'm very interested people!! Peace and Blessings!!

It's 844pm and I am praying that the boys are going to go to sleep with no coaxing, soothing, bribing, or BEGGING!! I gave them both a bath and barely had enough energy to bathe myself!! It's hard to believe that I'm the same person that partied till the sun came up in various countries and various nightclubs, then went out for breakfast because we STILL weren't ready to lay it down. Now I can't wait to feel my cool 800 thread count sheets ( with the juice stains that won't come out from sippy cups) on my skin and the softness of my pillow. Of cours my 1 yr old will play with my face and give me kisses, and pull my eyelids up to see if I'm awake. But EVENTUALLY there will be blissful sleep until it starts all over again tomorrow. This is now my life. ;)